Saving My Life in 2023

what worked, what didn't, what I liked and even loved, and what I'm leaning into for this year...

This was quite a year for us. It’s a strange one to reflect on because in many ways, I don’t feel like anything this year was normal or repeatable, nor was it one in which I had many goals outside of surviving and caring for my people the best that I could.

And yet, it’s still nice to look back and catalogue what brought truth, beauty, and goodness into our lives, and what may have stood in the way.

What worked

Family Rhythms. Everyone says that your family goes through seasons, and those seasons change. While this is true, it is even more confusing and harder to adjust to when you spread your kids ages out over 18 years. The seasons you are no longer in with your older kids are still needed for the younger kids. The ways you were able engage or function as a family when your first kids were young no longer works with your youngest children. This has been especially challenging for us with “family time” as we call it, or family worship. There was a time when we would gather in the living room every night faithfully before bed. There was a time when we were all gathered around the dinner table at least 5 nights a week. But this is no longer the case. And it has bothered, if not full on grieved me as we’ve tried to figure out our new rhythm here where nothing we used to do seems to work. Until a few months ago, when I noticed that unlike before, all our kids were leaving for school a little later than usual and had a less hurried morning. They were gathering around the breakfast table a little more naturally, and I thought, maybe I should try reading and praying with them just before school. This wouldn’t have worked last year, or the years before. But it has grown to be a consistent time for us this school year, and I have loved it.

Books. This wasn’t the heaviest reading year for me, because of moving and all that. But there were still plenty of good books and I’ll mention a few that stood out.

In memoir/biography, I loved Esau McCauley’s How Far to the Promised Land, Beth Moore’s All My Knotted Up Life, the second installment of Elisabeth Elliot’s biography, Being Elisabeth Elliot, the biography of Tim Keller, and the collection of Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Letters and Papers from Prison.

In fiction, I fell in love with Claire Keegan and her Small Things Like These and Foster. It was my first time reading the classic, Rebecca, and The Diary of a Country Priest; one a psychological thriller and the other a catholic novel and both so very good. A little late to the game, but loving it all the same, I listened to Daniel Nayeri’s, Everything Sad Is Untrue (Is it fiction? Is it memoir? It is.) and was charmed and moved, as is the only appropriate response to that book.

In theology/nonfiction my first read of the year was Carl Trueman’s, The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self— whereby I quickly became a big Carl Trueman fan and tried to convince my son that Grove City College (where Trueman now teaches) was the place for him next year. Thankfully, God doesn’t follow professors around and neither does my son. But the book was still very good. I’m also still enmeshed in the The Ethics of Beauty, which I’ve mentioned a few times. It’s such a different book and I’m not Eastern Orthodox but my goodness do I find it a refreshingly beautiful perspective on how the gospel glimmers in the most broken places of the human experience.

Podcasts are an ever-evolving feature in my life. I fall in and out of love with different pods and rotate between favorites and new finds. At times this year I spent whole days listening to them as I walked or cleaned or cooked, and then went stretches without listening to anything because the days (and house) were too full. Like anything, podcasts have their seasons. They definitely help me feel like my mind is engaged, especially when my days are lacking in adult conversation and interaction. Something that yes, at 43 I am still dealing with. Old new mom here. While I have certain pods I like to listen to for thoughtful interviews, or cultural commentary, or theology and Biblical study, I noticed a theme around the ones I most looked forward to. They are not always the ones I always agree with or even have direct relevance to my actual life. The commonality I think I was drawn to is meaningful conversation among friends. Probably I just want this in my real life.

A few that fell in that category were: Advisory Opinions (listening to smart people makes me feel like it will maybe rub off on me. But in truth, this one is a great way to learn actual facts about current events in our nation without political commentary or bias. It’s also a deep dive into all things law and Supreme Court, which is helpful when the sound bytes or headlines can skew what is actually happening.), Mockingcast (I just like the premise of bringing several articles to the table and friends talking about them with the lens of, where is grace absent or present here?), and Close Reads (very different group, but all lovers of literature and I like the different books it exposes me to, as well as the insightful commentary).

Shopping. I texted my beautiful friend, Aimee one day this summer and asked her where do you buy your clothes?. She always looks great, and even though our styles are different, I was feeling panicky and lost in the world of American shopping She turned me on to the clothing site Bohmë, and I have loved all the dresses it has brought into my life. I was able to find one for a winter charity ball for less than $100, and a few others that I wear regularly— including a cute one for our family picture.

Fitness. It’s no joke that turning 40 changes things. I swear the morning after my 40th birthday, I noticed a steady decline in my ability to maintain my weight and general health through the means I normally use. Running no longer did the trick. I thought I was eating healthy, but had a hard time getting enough protein. I often forgot to drink water even when I knew I should be. Muscle strength that had been maintained for many years suddenly seemed to be deteriorating and I felt soft and spongy. In May, I noticed my old college bestie, Meagan sharing about all these exact struggles and I started to pay attention to her progress. We were in the middle of moving at that time but in August I finally decided to give the health program she was using a try. It has been just what I needed. Daily workouts that build lean muscle, learning about macros and getting enough protein every day, prioritizing sleep and hydration, and a 6-week kick off program that helped get me on my way. I’m usually averse to anything that pushes no dairy and gluten free stuff, but in the end I decided to try it and found I did actually feel better. I’m not hard core on the gluten or dairy stuff, but I no longer use cream in my coffee and that feels HUGE. My favorite flavor-free nut creamer is Nutpods.

I will give one caveat to my praise of the program (actually two): I don’t buy into and could do without all of of the mindset stuff. And it is not cheap. I have never paid for a workout or meal plan program before. That being said, Meagan was a great coach, and the nutrition information and training combined with the workouts and accountability actually produced results for me and it was so so so worth it.

Home. This was a year of settling into a new home, and that brought with it many many purchases of things like appliances and furniture, making decisions about paint colors and Christmas trees (real or artificial?). Thought we weren’t doing a major renovation, thank the Lord, there was still so much to decide and find and within that whole ordeal there were some major bombs (the sofa is my saddest tale of woe), but also some wonderful finds and delights. I’ll mention a few:

As a whole, I just fell in love with appliances in general and I think this has everything to do with the return to American Bigness. After years living in Asia, where the kitchens and everything in them is designed small (something that was both good for me and that I got used to over time), the return to appliances that feel like one of my children, that fit the size of our family, well it’s been great. GE gas oven. I LOVE IT.

It does seem like the last time we were in America setting up a home (not counting our bus trip), which was when we got married twenty years ago, the options were much more limited. Now, there is so so much online and with miles of reviews and it is just very overwhelming to know where to begin and how to choose. Because you must make the right choice, the first time. This was especially true for mattresses. We went to one mattress store. And then we listened to my parents talk about their deep love for their Sleep Number, and we decided to scratch the whole budget— buy everything else from thrift stores, and get the mattress. And we could not be sleeping better. But don’t believe the hype about any of the accessories. You don’t need them.

But the big thrift store find, that truth be told I did actually pray about before going into the the Salvation Army one day, was our dining room table. Long story short, we needed something big, but our space is very small. I wanted an oval table with plenty of inserts so we could seat 8 or more. I didn’t want to spend a lot of money, and I was so done with FB Marketplace runarounds. So I prayed, and walked in, and there it sat for $70 including chairs. This never happens to me.

My final home win for the year is a color. Benjamin Moore Oil Cloth. It started with painting our hallway doors, and then it spread. Now every door and closet and even our living room bookshelves are painted in this perfect greyish sagey green. Paint colors are another horrible thing. Because they are also so wonderful. I love them all, and it feels impossible to choose between all the amazing nuanced earthy tones and shades. So once I decided on this one, I just stuck with it and stopped looking for others. And I do still love it, which is a good thing since it is everywhere in my house.

What wasn’t great

Transition is hard. People are everything. History is unrepeatable. Starting Over is the worst, but you just have to go through it and know that eventually, it will not be the beginning. It will be the middle or at least later than the beginning.

Children leaving home is hard. Having them come home is the best. And now we live in that new in between world of always missing them, always getting used to a different dynamic, but also being surprised by the way we are okay with the new dynamic— there is good in it too.

Life in flux and all the new routines and figuring out what our daily, weekly, seasonal rhythms are is hard. Well, it’s hard on certain areas. Like finding time for all the things you used to have time for and now no longer know where they fit. Running, walks with Josh, writing (this letter or anything at all), and dinner together as a family are all things that used to be regulars and now don’t have a definite place.

Church in America is crazy. It seems like along with everything else, there are endless options, even in one of the most unchurched areas in the country. Finding and then choosing one to be a part of feels like dating and then getting married after only four or five weeks, because you’re already so tired of dating. But how can you settle down so quickly? You don’t know anything! It is an act of faith if ever there was one.

Are you even still reading?

Leaning into 2024

The coming year holds more transitions and life changes for our family. Another son graduates and launches into the world. It will be our first summer after moving back to America and our first time navigating college kid summer schedules and all the American things like camps and sports and vacations. The thought of it already has me a little panicky.

Zoë will be heading to Pre-K in the fall and that will bring back some margin to my days. This has happened to me now three other times in my life (the result of big gaps between children). In my experience that expected margin is more like a mirage that sparkles in the distance, promising great things. But here is New Year me, looking forward with hope and expectation that I’ll be able to fill that time wisely and in ways I feel called to.

After a year of playing house, I want to restrain my gathering of things to make my home comfortable and get more comfortable with gathering people in ways that make them feel welcome. This month I have already spent so much less time looking at decorating ideas and devoting mind or budget space to our home and I’m grateful.

Along with that, I’ve decided this is the year I will finally become an adult and live by a budget. I will figure out how to budget. I will confine myself to that budget. I will be better. I will. I will…

Truthfully, I am trying to dive in and devote some needed attention to this area that we have never been great at. Maybe for some that always elusive area of change is fitness or weight loss or planning date nights or reading your Bible or whatever. Creating and living by a budget would be that area for me. A friend suggested the EveryDollar app, and so far it has been helpful and intuitive to work with. The x factor is choosing to live within these constraints.

Looking back over this year, I know that the biggest thing we did, the overarching narrative that kind of snuck its tentacles into everything, was Transition (apologies to all my overseas friends who officially hate that word). All the ways that Transition filtered down into every area of our life was probably the main “thing” that both worked and didn’t work this year. It was both what I loved and didn’t love. It was what God was walking us through and walking us into and walking with me in as I mentored my kids through relationships old and new, as we worked on our marriage, as we navigated leaving a job and place we loved but knew we were ready to leave, as we walked into an entirely new job and community and neighborhood, as we said goodbye to our son and learned life as a family of eight minus one.

The calendar year of 2023 may be behind us, but transition is not. We’re still in the thick of it, sometimes finding it smoother than we anticipated and sometimes feeling the awful awkward horribleness of it.

Being in a year of flux has also helped me to live with the truth that my life is not about optimization. My goal is not to “do better” than last year or for this to be my best year yet. Maybe some people are inspired by that kind of thinking, but I think most of us are just weighed down by it.

This next year will be more of what life always is: good and hard, failing and flying into the arms of Jesus, growing in some ways and seeing how little we’ve grown in others. And I want to be here for all of it, arms and heart wide open, ready to hear what is being asked of me or where I’m being led, come what may.