It has been a few weeks since I’ve shared a letter here. In that time the weather has turned, and I navigated a few road bumps, one of which was an unavoidable writer’s block last weekend.
There is nothing like sitting in a coffee shop by yourself for a few precious hours— knowing this luxury comes at the expense of a relaxing Saturday for the rest of the family who is watching the tiresome toddler and taking care of all the chores—and having nothing to show for it. But try as I could, the wall was there. I felt irritable and complaining. Everything I wrote sounded like a whine. In the end, I had to shut it down and just accept that there are days when the sun does not shine.
But today is not that kind of day.
I was inspired by another post I read, which was inspired by a Barbara Brown Taylor question she explored in one of her books. Simply, What is saving your life right now? It can be anything—deep, meaningful and ponderous, or lighthearted and superficial. The idea is not to think about it too hard, but to take notice of those things in your life that are literally or metaphorically keeping your head above water.
So, here we go. Ten Things That Are Saving My Life Right Now
1. My sweatshirt.
Admittedly, a very small thing. But as the weather has finally made it necessary for layers, out come the hoodies and sweatshirts. I usually have one favorite that becomes a sort of daily uniform. I find one I like, and wear it to death for the next few years until it loses all shape and viability. And then I look for another one. It’s hard for me to find clothes that fit and that I like here in China, so it is our return trips to the U.S. where this search usually happens. We haven’t been able to return in the last three years, and my sweatshirt situation was grim, so I had one sent over in a package from my dear mother. It is perfection. Comfortable, oversized, sort of flattering? I just love it, and am glad for something new when everything was starting to feel ragged.
2. Walks with my husband.
Some people do date nights with religiosity, but we have never been able to make this work. Instead, these after dinner walks have become a coveted time, a lifeline really. We can leave the kids to do the dishes and get started on homework, and have an hour of uninterrupted connection over the day. It has been one of those things that when we review “what’s working, and what’s not?” definitely comes up in the “what’s working” category. It enables us to keep short accounts, to talk through all the things— kids, work, life, decisions, funny stuff, annoying stuff, and not feel like two strangers passing in the night. Which can so easily happen.
3. Fires in the morning.
We have this little patio on the second floor. It’s an awkward place to get to, so we don’t naturally spend a lot of time there with guests in the way we would like, but it is still a nice space. We got a bunch of seasoned firewood (not easy to come by here!), and Josh has been making a fire early in the morning. We sit with our coffee and our reading, and it is… I don’t know. It meets some kind of weird, deep, inner need. We love fires. The smell, the feel, the ritual of it? I have sat there every morning and just fully enjoyed it.
4. Teenagers.
A friend wrote a message this week, sharing news of her last kid who is getting married, and how she is learning to love this new season of motherhood. “Your season is still my favorite,” she wrote. “But I’m learning to love this one too.” I think I know what she meant, though I guess it would be hard to know what season I am in, since I am in ALL the seasons of mothering. But the one we had been sharing about was the teenager season and those few years just before they graduate and leave home. I will be honest here and say that the 18 month old is in a trying stage of life. It is not my favorite stage. Thanks be to God for the teenagers, who are saving my life right now with their humor, their conversation, their antics, their budding intellect, their socks all over the house, their endearing sibling relationships, their pushback and forgiveness.
5. Karl Barth.
When I was in college, a professor gave us a reading from Karl Barth that changed my life. I don’t remember where exactly I had picked up on these things, but somewhere in my church circles growing up, I had understood Karl Barth to be a dangerous “liberal” who had paved the way for a subjective reading of the Bible. As I read Barth’s actual words however, I was struck by how much he was calling for the opposite. A reformer, who was disturbed by the way liberal German theologians had veered away from the primacy of God’s word as the authoritative communication from God to man, he was trying to show how central this understanding was in order for the church to have any witness in the world. All this to say, I am no Barth scholar, but when I pick up his work, I am led to a renewed awe in the fact that God is wholly Other, but also the God who draws near. I am reminded to refrain from being swept up in the currents of my cultural moment, and to have a strong hope in the power of God’s communication with us through his Word. For those of us who are not scholars, I think this Armchair guide on Karl Barth can be a good place to start.
6. Feedback from my advisor, and positive feedback in general!
Along with the writer’s block last weekend, I was also struggling with doubts about the final project for my Creative Writing program. The workshop feedback I had just received was meh, and not overly enthusiastic. I wasn’t hurt by it as much as wondering if I was heading down the wrong path with the novel I’m working on. But my advisor had different thoughts. She told me it was the kind of story she would want to read. She read over 6,000 words and said she wanted more. She has no reason to give me false affirmation or simply make me feel better. It’s her job to critique and give honest review. And there was helpful critique in there too, but her overall take was— this is lovely, and it’s good. Of course, feedback is always subjective on some level. But I took her feedback as a win, and something to hold on to. Positive feedback feels good, and saved me from pitching it all this week.
7. Autumn in the air, longings growing up.
I’ve already mentioned the weather has changed. It has literally saved us all from slumping in what felt like the unending heat of summer. That fresh autumn feel has revived us, even as we have been continuing to suffer under the never ending restrictions of COVID that still exist. I have also noticed that my feelings for autumn, though still lifelong and unwavering, feel like they are growing up a little. I don’t pine like I once did. I have lived for years without all the pleasures of autumn, and I find myself thinking that if they are given, they are given, but if they are not, life can and does go on. One of my daughter’s friends asked the other day, noticing the volume of posts about all things autumnal in her feeds, “Is fall a big deal or something in America?” I had to laugh. And as I thought back over my own years of sharing how much I longed for or missed or loved this time of year, I realized I don’t have the same intensity around it that I used to. Is this growing up? Or just learning to let things have their proper place in the order of things I love? Either way, it’s saving my life right now to enjoy this good thing without feeling like the lack of it has such a hold on me.
8. Old people in my neighborhood
Every morning, I head to the little playground in the middle of our xiao qu to keep Zoë and Margot out of the older kid’s way while they do school online. We spend a lot of time at the playground. So do a small group of elderly folks who come to play jianzi—the game where you kick a shuttlecock in a circle, keeping it in the air for as long as possible. They are in their sixties and seventies, and one man is eighty-six, and still does thirty pushups a day, right there for us all to see. They talk together, laugh a lot, and are friendly to all the kids who come to play. In a time when so much of the China we have known and loved over the years has changed or is no longer available to us, this small pocket of neighborly connection has been saving my life on a daily basis. These elderly friends know my kids names, ask about my family and if my parents have ever met my baby. They give me vegetables from their garden and tell me the best way to eat it. They have told me about their own children, and asked me if I needed a ride to the store. They have given me something to love here in a difficult time, and I’m so grateful.
9. Mornings with God, the Psalms, it’s all about relationship.
The time I spend in the morning, in the quiet, reading and praying and journaling, it has its own seasons too. Sometimes there are stretches where it feels like the road is long and straight with no views, like those hours of driving through Nebraska (and when you think you’re done… here comes Iowa). But there are other times when there is a lot to see, and every day brings another turn around the bend with another vista, another insight. Sometimes God feels near, and others feel bleh. This is one of the reasons I love the Psalms, as have so many over the centuries. The Psalms know this up and down, near and far-ness of walking with God. Currently, I am in a season of the vistas, and in particular of being struck by what a wonder it is that the Christian God is a relational one. The relationship part trips us up sometimes, because we don’t always sense it in the way we want to. But the biblical story is relentless in its depiction of the God who pursues, who communicates, who somehow, for some reason wants to be known and wants to know us. And this simple, beautiful fact has literally been saving my actual life.
Good news, however hard to hold on to.
We received news just this morning that the city government is allowing the school campus to open again on Monday. I can’t tell you what relief and happiness this is bringing to everyone. And yet, the kids are skeptical. Will it last? Will they turn around and shut it down when another case pops up? Will sports resume or will all extracurriculars remain off limits? Our hope feels tenuous. But it is still incredible news, which we are elated about.
Thanks for reading this list of reflections. It has been good for me to notice where grace has surprised me lately. Maybe I have grown tired of the gratitude list idea, and this is just the same thing in a slightly different form. But I’ll take it. And maybe you can too. May you see in big and small ways, the God who is there and in all the details of your life.
I’m far from a literary critic and certainly not a writing instructor but wanted to tell you that as a Mom with kids, living abroad and who loves beautiful prose- your words have been a blessing and encouragement…..and just enjoyable to spend time with.
Your writing reflects so much of what I feel the Lord is leading me to lean into. I so often get stuck in my head overthinking life, but He made us and knows that earthy rituals and reflection on seasonal provisions are good for our souls. I love you and thank God for you, friend.