Note: I appreciated every single response to last week’s letter/announcement. Thank you for every story you shared, every heartfelt word of encouragement, every message to my inbox or comment on social media. I don’t expect you all to care about the details of our life—but you do! Thankyou.
It’s January, cold and gray and full of ordinary routine and the hopeful spirit that a new year brings. I’ve had a lot of ordinary time around here, and a lot of routine. Even as the coming drama of moving and transition looms, these present days are very full of everydayness. This season in my life is also very full of being a toddler-mom, which in all honestly is not my favorite stage of mom-life.
I admitted to our small group last week that I am finding this season of raising a small child while in my forties to be a challenging one. I feel the pull of wanting my days to be about something other than taking her to the playground, or learning to eat with a spoon. I’m ready to be free of the constraints and physical demands of a child under two.
But that is my life, and it is a season. I don’t write this to say anything other than it’s a challenge that I’m in the midst of.
I also write to say what is helping me immensely through these physically demanding but often intellectually dull days: Reading.
Not that I have a lot of time to sit and read (who does?). But also— I do have time! More time than I think. One of my personal challenges this year is to find the cracks in my day where I am languishing in wasteful or life-sucking activities and renew those cracks by filling them with better practices. Sometimes reading is that practice (and sometimes a power nap).
My reading list for this year is maybe a little too ambitious. We are moving halfway around the world after all. I came across a talk recently about becoming a better reader, and I appreciated his emphasis on reading less to retain more. It helped me as I came across (and judged) what seemed like braggy long lists of heady titles that people read last year (it’s fine, I repented) and I may use this reminder to comfort me in the coming days.
One other challenge for this year will be: reading only what we can pull off the shelf.
In the past, we have been able to order physical books Book Depository, but they no longer deliver to China. Combined with the fact that I am a horrible e-reader, and have not been able to embrace it no matter how I try, our reading has become limited to the books we have. Our shelves are pretty full from our years of collecting, but at this point it means a lot of re-reading. The talk I listened to also mentioned re-reading as an important way to improve your retention—and so again, I take comfort. Reading less, reading what we have. It’s fine. Maybe even good.
Finally, there is audio. It doesn’t solve every problem, but it is still a godsend. I find that some kinds of books are easier to listen to than others. And in this season of 43-year-old-woman-raising-what-could-be-her-grandchild, I’ll take what I can.
Rather than share my hopeful list for the year in full, I’ll share a few that I am currently enjoying:
Hannah Coulter by Wendell Berry: (audio version)
I may need to write a longer post on this at some point, because Wendell Berry and I have had our issues, and here I am coming back to him like the long lost family members in his novel. Years ago, I was more than drawn to Berry’s ideals, and then we moved overseas and so much of what he wrote didn’t seem to jive with the way so many in the world are able to live (especially outside the borders of the USA). I grew less enamored. But recently I heard an interview where someone shared about how Berry’s wife also rolled her eyes at some of the ideals and the way people interpret them, and I felt better. I re-read Hannah Coulter after a long time away from dear Wendell, and found myself in a puddle of tears at one point, and in deep resonance at many others. Family, loss, education questions, the commitment to and loving of place no matter where that is, the receiving from past generations and the acceptance of the life you’ve been given, how could I not return like a penitent child to Father Berry?
The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self by Carl R. Trueman
I want to understand the confusing times we live in. I also don’t want to be a mere follower of a cultural moment. People like Dietrich Bonhoeffer inspire me to want the mental strength, moral fortitude and spiritual sensitivity required when everyone around you is losing their minds or caving to cultural pressures. I don’t want propaganda, from any side. I don’t want biased pleas and arguments, even if I agree with them. I’m not sure anyone is completely free of this, but some voices are more sane and calmly reflective than others. Trueman seems like one such voice. I appreciate his deep and scholarly dive into history, and the tracing of philosophical thought and cultural reactions and movements that have shaped the current climate and the modern minds we all operate with.
Letters and Papers from Prison by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
In my continued fascination with the man, I’m diving into these letters between him and his loved ones while he was in prison. I try to read The Cost of Discipleship every year, but this volume is new to me. It is personal and intimate. I feel the days inside the prison walls, and the frustrated freedoms of his family who long for him and for the gathering they never attain.
My Name is Asher Lev, by Chaim Potok
It has been many years since I’ve read Potok’s work. After listening to the Close Read's podcast on this novel, I pulled it off our shelf and have been reading it before bed. Sparse, simple, prose with vivid detail and deep emotion. It is a fascinating exploration of the self and calling and a religious community and history and family and heritage. As I try to regain the momentum to work on my own novel-in-progress, it is also instructive. I love Potok’s use of POV, with a limited narrator who does not give too much explanation, and yet what he offers is more than enough to give you a full sense of the weighty dynamics he is navigating.
Persuasion by Jane Austen (audio version)
Another read inspired by the Close Reads podcast. I am mostly listening to this one, but as I do have the physical version, I’ve looked up a few passages and read them in print after hearing something that struck me. Austen often inspires me to think about virtue, and in more than just broad and sweeping ways. This time around, on a day I was wrestling with a situation regarding finances, I was struck by the way she described Lady Russell, as a woman, “rather of sound than quick abilities, whose difficulties in coming to any decision in this instance were great, from the opposition of two leading principles. She was of strict integrity herself, with a delicate sense of honour.”
Would you believe the passage influenced my own response to a decision, and made me reflect on how I was approaching it? Thank you, Jane Austen for all you do.
The Story of the World, Volume 3 by Susan Wise Bauer
Josh and I have long been interested in classical education and many years ago read Susan Wise Bauer’s books on giving yourself a classical education as well as how to give one to your children. We never did the homeschooling part, but our kids enjoyed listening to and reading her Story of the World compilations and I’ve used her book lists over the years. I will tell you, I always find history fascinating, and always find that I forget most of it after I read it. When I have a few minutes after dinner, and the living room is a frenzy of activity that keeps me from diving deep into a novel or a thinking book, these light hearted but well written synopsis of the flow of history are delightful (to me). This week, I learned about the history of New York, and how the English basically stole it from the Dutch, who of course stole it from the native Lenape. When I exclaimed this news out loud, everyone else in my family rolled their eyes and said, “Peter Stuyvesant? We know.” They are all better than me, I guess.
A Few More Things:
This article on the recently deceased Pope Benedict XVI’s beautiful portrait of his early years and family life.
An insightful take on the benefits of family life. We need it in order to be healthy citizens of the world.
A stack of books pulled off the shelf.
The beautiful little ones that are keeping me on my toes, desperate for good reads, and in the young (graying) mom club.
I’m trying to be more diligent and purposeful in my reading this year. I am using the Close Reads group to help with that along with Goodreads. So far so good!
My husband really enjoyed The Rise and Triumph except for the final chapter 😉
And Bonhoeffer is always a favorite.