In our home of late, there is a steady conversation circling around education choices— which AP courses and how many to take, SAT scores and how much they matter, which universities and what to aim for, how much of yourself to give to any of these things and what they say or don’t say about you. I love to see my kids taking their academics seriously, achieving more than I ever did, but I also don’t want it to become an unhealthy burden or obsession—something that easily happens in the circles we live in.
Most parents are prone to live vicariously through the achievements of their children in some way. Maybe it’s due to the lack of similar experience in their own lives and wanting their children to “do better” than they did. Or maybe it’s the opposite- wanting their children to live up to the dreams and achievements they have already attained. I can see myself tending towards the former— finding pride in my kids doing things I was never able to, or didn’t push myself to accomplish. I can see it and I want to fight against it.
I think about my own academic career as a high school and undergraduate student and am horrified at how little effort and thought I put into any of it. My parents, while very supportive of academics, were certainly not pushy or driven. More than anything, they encouraged me to live my life wholly for the Lord, whatever that might look like. While this was a beautiful gift and one I want to give to my own kids, there have been many times where I wish both they and I would have been more attuned to my natural gifts and interests and that I would have been more responsible with what I had been given. But that wasn’t the ethos of my particular life and surroundings. So in some ways I am glad for my kids to have more of a push. I certainly want them to care more than I did. Or at least to have more discipline.
But I also want them to be the kind of students— and one day adults— whose lives are defined by the right terms and lived with the right motivation. Even though I am tempted to let them run down this high achieving path full steam ahead, gunning for all the things that would make me feel proud and accomplished as the parent of their awesomeness, I am reminded almost daily to pull back. My aim is to help them settle into who they are under the good and guiding hand of their Father who made them.
This is easier said than done. I am struck by the weight put on any and all of us in this modern age to find and identify our own true selves. The world tells us that the truest thing we can do is to be true to ourselves— something that only we can define and ultimately know. Contrast that with the catechism from the Book of Common Prayer, which states that our very nature as humans is found in the fact that we are creatures created by a loving God. We are his. We are not our own. Someone Else had a plan when He made us. The catechism at one point asks:
Q.What does this mean about our place in the universe?
A.It means that the world belongs to its creator; and that
we are called to enjoy it and to care for it in accordance
with God's purposes.
I love that the writers of this catechism saw both the joy and the responsibility inherent in our God-given freedom. To walk in the freedom of how we are made brings enjoyment. To walk in rebellion and choose our own way, forge our own path— brings bondage.
Though it may seem that I have digressed, the point I am making is that in all their pursuits, our kids need to understand that they are not their own. They have been created, known before they were a speck in their mother’s eye (Psalm 139 is my favorite for this). They have a telos, a purpose, and a particular shape to their soul, their body, their person. Our job as humans is not to force our way into a life plan or a personality or a self that we define. It is to relax into the person we were made to be.
Ultimately, on the day to day ground level of high school existence, this may all seem too far removed, too pie in the sky spiritual-sounding to make a difference in AP course choices or college applications. But the way I see it, and how I want to experience it, is to continually remind my kids to RELAX. Work hard. Work your very hardest. In fact, if you don’t work hard, you are not living into the person you were made to be. But as you work hard, relax about the rest.
My absolute favorite passage of late, especially as I pray for and talk to and think about my teens is from Matthew 6, particularly in the Message translation:
What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.
At this point, the paths diverge. Does steeping your life in God-reality mean that you don’t pursue any of your own gifts or desires? Essentially, the “full-time ministry is the best way to serve God” trap? It’s a natural tendency and one many have asked and struggled with. I appreciated the thoughtful approach of this article as it looked at this very question in the life of Lilias Trotter.
At the same time, does steeping your life in God-provisions mean that your gifts are at your disposal for you to use as you desire? Again, the Anglican catechism is helpful as it shows the flow from who we were created to be, to the purpose of God’s commands given to his people. The whole aim of who we are and how we live is to love God (and enjoy him) and to love our neighbor (and enjoy them). Essentially, it is others oriented.
Your aim, oh graduate, oh hard-working high schooler, is to bring the whole of you are into service of the good of those around you.
It may seem like a lot to ask of our teens. But we already ask a lot of them. And if there is anything I want to point them towards, it is expending themselves for the right things, for the best things.
The truth is, of course I can’t control how my teens will choose to live or see themselves or God. But when I look at my own life, or say- Lilias Trotter’s, I am reminded that it can take a lifetime. We all have our circuitous and often complicated roads to travel. And God is willing to use so much of our junk to bring us to himself. He is willing to let us go through so much junk to bring us to himself.
I want my hard working high schoolers to relax. And it’s something I’m still learning.
True for teens and us. Thanks for getting me to the heart as always.
True for teens and for us as well. You always make me see to the heart! Thanks.